Being Your Own Worst Enemy?! (Blame Mom)

Being Your Own Worst Enemy?! (Blame Mom)

You often hear that women are their own worst enemies when it comes to emotions and relationships. I questions this actually, because I think everyone can be their own worst enemy.

Granted, women can make a lot of fuzz and emotional drama (who doesn’t know a drama queen for that matter!), but when it comes to affection, offering support, just listen to what you have to say and friendships, women are the best!

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A Poem of Anne Sexton

A Poem of Anne Sexton

 

I remember we named you Joyce
So we could call you Joy.
You came like an awkward guest
That first time, all wrapped and moist
And strange at my heavy breast.
I needed you, I didn’t want a boy,
Only a girl, a small milky mouse
of a girl, already loud in the house
of herself. We named you Joy.

I, who was never quite sure
About being a girl, needed another
life, another image to remind me.

And this was my worst guilt; you could not cure
nor soothe it. I made you to find me.

Anne Sexton in: “The Complete Poems”.

 

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My Best Friend Asked Me….

My Best Friend Asked Me….

 

My best friend asked me in pure desperation: “Anytime my mother get displeased,, irritated, or angry, I immediately feel it’s because of me and I have done something wrong. I get upset by feeling this way. Why the hell does this keep happening to me, it’s frustrating!”

 

I couldn’t give her the right answer, because I do exactly the same thing. Maybe not to the extend my friend does, but basically the same reaction to my mom’s negative emotions.

 

Since this occurs a lot, I think this is a pattern. We daughters want to please our mothers and make her happy. But it’s frustrating, because we can’t make her happy all the time and certainly can’t be responsible for our mothers happiness. Some daughters closed their feelings for this and built a wall around themselves. Their heart became cold and hard. Imagine what happens when they become mothers of their daughter….

 

So what to do?

 

  • Talk to your best friends
  • Get into therapy
  • Get counselling
  • Talk to anyone about this
  • Buy yourself some more chocolate
  • Snap out of it
  • Any other good idea?????

 

More on healing Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

 

 

Little Chicken Miracle – Part 2

Little Chicken Miracle – Part 2

 

Last time I told my story why I was not feeling that hot (it sucks!) due to my circumstances:

  • I got laid off
  • My husband had an affair and wanted a divorce
  • I hurt my back badly
  • I lost my savings due to the stock market
  • and
  • My Mom got a series of heart attacks and passed away

 

In my darkest moment I was physically exhausted, in a lot of pain, alone, homeless cause I couldn’t pay the rent anymore, penniless, and with a broken heart. I was numb. I was a big nobody. A worthless little stupid chicken. An insult to chickens.

And in my darkest moment, I didn’t care anymore. In the eyes of my Mom, now deceased, I was a total failure and nobody.

It seems nothing could ever happen to repair that unless a miracle would happen.

 

This is the miracle: I was totally immersed into this state of being a failure and being a nobody. Out of that state and total acceptance of being a failure and an nobody, my whole system reversed. My body reversed, my cells turned around and an the atoms that make up my system!

 

IT DAWNED ON ME:

All that my Mom taught me, was a lie!

It was a lie because I am totally the opposite of what she made me believe about myself:

 

  • I am not a little chicken, I am a big bird!
  • I am very worthy!
  • Life is not to be feared, but lived and loved!
  • I should take calculated risks and go for it!
  • I should stick to my intuition and what my heart tells me!
  • Love is unconditional!
  • There is nothing wrong with me when I start thinking for myself!

 

From that moment on life literally changed in a day. To make a long story short, a friend needed a house sitter because she got a job elsewhere for 6 months. My divorce finally came through and I got a small settlement out of it. An old colleague recommended me for a new position, an offer I could not refuse. Then two school friends wanted to start a business and asked me to be a partner in their business. I agreed because it felt good and I was excited. From my job, I started saving money which I invested in our new business.

Now I am well under way to build a new life. An adventurous and satisfying life. My life!

 

If it was not for my Mom and what she taught me, I would not have made the huge break though in mind of who I really am. I am exactly the opposite of what she has taught me I was!

Thank you Mom!!!

 

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Little Chicken Miracle – Part 1

Little Chicken Miracle – Part 1

 

My Mom taught me who I am by punishing, rewarding, ignoring and giving me attention and care.

Initially I really believed what she taught me about myself and that went on for oh, about 40 years.

This is what she taught me:

 

  • That I am a little chicken
  • That I am not worth a whole lot
  • That I should fear life and should seek safety and security in material stuff like a house and a good paying job
  • That I should also seek psychological security as in finding a husband and as in not taking risks in my relationships (thought this may mean that I should lie to myself and others about my truths!)
  • That I should stick to what everybody does because that is “normal”
  • That love needs to be earned
  • That there is something wrong with me if I think differently from what she taught me.

 

Then a lot of things happened in a course of a couple of months. Big things. Thing that were out of my control.

 

  • I got laid off
  • My husband had an affair and wanted a divorce
  • I hurt my back badly
  • I lost my savings due to the stock market
  • and
  • My Mom got a series of heart attacks and passed away
  • I felt my Mom and me had so much unfinished business, and now she wasn’t there anymore!

 

There I was feeling abandoned, feeling worthless, full of fear of life and self-hate on the brink of depression and in a bad health. Oh yeah and full of self-pity! Mom, what have you taught me about life, this is painful and not fair!

 

Also read Little Chicken Miracle – Part 2, to be published next week!

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From Self-Hate to Self-Acceptance to Love…

Mother-Daughter

From Self-hate to Self-acceptance to Love…

Back from holidays (I had a great time, thanks!) it dawned on me. I use to accuse my mom that she has been full of self-hate and hasn’t been loving herself enough.

It dawned on me that I am doing exactly the same thing specially in times of huge pressure and stress. During my 3 week long of wonderful holidays I was relaxed and cool and suddenly could see, feel and taste the difference between being under stress and having a lot of self-hate versus being relaxed and coming to more and more self-acceptance. And maybe even self-love.

At that point, I made the decision that from now on, I want to live my life in self-acceptance!!!

Sorry my mom couldn’t not benefit from this insight, but for the sake of her, my grannies and generations of women before her, I go for self-acceptance now!

More improving Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

My Best Friend Said….

My Best Friend Said….

 

God thanks I have a best friend! Her name is Bo. I know Bo from high school and now that we have our own families and jobs, we don’t talk that often anymore on a daily basis, but when we do, it’s just like old times. I practically can talk about anything that’s on my mind with her and I believe she feels that way too.

 

One of the reoccurring topics is – no, not only men! It is our mothers. Bo, my best friend and I, we both come from somewhat dysfunctional families. Sorry to say this and with due respect for our parents, but it needs to be said. So we talk about how her mom favors her older brother and how my mom always puts me and my efforts down me to no end. When Bo decided she wasn’t going to talk to her mother again, EVER, I went and saw her mother to patch things up. When I went through my first divorce a couple of years ago, my mom decided I was not worthy enough to be her daughter anymore. Getting a divorce was shameful in her mind. I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed by my mom, since I needed my mom’s support badly at that time. Or so I thought, because Bo was right at my side.

 

Bo is the lucky one, since she had a wonderful, loving granny. I never get to know my grandmothers. So during hard times, I got a lot of support from Bo and I am very thankful for that.

But still in the back of my mind there is this nagging thought that in the first place, my own mom should have been the one supporting me and I am still somewhat resentful that my mom let me down. Bo, my best friend says: “let it go, let it go, let it go!”

 

Of course she is right, but its F#@&% hard!!!

 

More on letting go Mother-Daughter-Relationships resentments…

 

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