My Best Friend Said….

My Best Friend Said….

 

God thanks I have a best friend! Her name is Bo. I know Bo from high school and now that we have our own families and jobs, we don’t talk that often anymore on a daily basis, but when we do, it’s just like old times. I practically can talk about anything that’s on my mind with her and I believe she feels that way too.

 

One of the reoccurring topics is – no, not only men! It is our mothers. Bo, my best friend and I, we both come from somewhat dysfunctional families. Sorry to say this and with due respect for our parents, but it needs to be said. So we talk about how her mom favors her older brother and how my mom always puts me and my efforts down me to no end. When Bo decided she wasn’t going to talk to her mother again, EVER, I went and saw her mother to patch things up. When I went through my first divorce a couple of years ago, my mom decided I was not worthy enough to be her daughter anymore. Getting a divorce was shameful in her mind. I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed by my mom, since I needed my mom’s support badly at that time. Or so I thought, because Bo was right at my side.

 

Bo is the lucky one, since she had a wonderful, loving granny. I never get to know my grandmothers. So during hard times, I got a lot of support from Bo and I am very thankful for that.

But still in the back of my mind there is this nagging thought that in the first place, my own mom should have been the one supporting me and I am still somewhat resentful that my mom let me down. Bo, my best friend says: “let it go, let it go, let it go!”

 

Of course she is right, but its F#@&% hard!!!

 

More on letting go Mother-Daughter-Relationships resentments…

 

What if I would have a great relationship with my mom?!

What if I would have a great relationship with my mom?!

 

Well, that is a new look on my mother-daughter-relationship!

If I were to have a great mother-daughter-relationship, I would:

 

  • Have more fun with my Mom and not waste time arguing, fighting, feeling annoyed
  • Not waste time talking to my friends and husband about my problems with her
  • Feel more supported
  • Feel acknowledged that I am a good person
  • I would do fun stuff with her
  • I would trust life a lot more
  • I would give her my attention, time and love without any holding back
  • I would find it easier to love myself….

 

Now wouldn’t that be just great???!!!

 

How to get a great Mother-Daughter-Relationship!

It’s My Mom on the Phone….

It’s My Mom on the Phone….

 

My phone beeps and as I look at the screen, my apprehension grows. It’s my mom on the line.

What does she wants now, I wonder wearily.

 

Me: “Hi!”

Mom: “Hi, it’s me, what took you so long to pick up the phone? Listen,…

Me: I can hear her agitation and for sure, Mom is not in a good mood. Geez, why did I pick up the phone to begin with?!

Mom: “Listen, Liz (her neighbor whom she is always having a hate-love relationship with for years), is pulling a fast one on me…”

Me: “Mom, I really don’t want to..”

(I have heard this kind of story at least a million times and don’t need to hear it again, for God’s sake! Now I start to be annoyed).

Mom: “No, no, listen to me, this time she really pulled out all the stops, it is unbelievable! And don’t interrupt me, because you know I hate that and it gives a stress and it’s bad for my heart, ok.”

Me: “But Mom…I am in the middle of something…”

Mom: “OK, honey, what’s wrong with you, can’t you see this is an emergency? Why can’t I just get a minute, what is so damned important that you can’t hear me out, for crying out loud!!! (Now she is shouting at me!) You always say you want more communication, so what the hell is wrong with you?!”

 

At this point I usually just shut up and let her do her ranting story of injustice and suffering. The rest of the day my mood is down and it needs almost a miracle to pick up the pace again.

 

This kind of conversation happened all the time between me and my Mom. Until one day, when I really had enough of it, my own life was one big crisis, the moon was full and my hormones were all over the place when I said to Mom:

 

“STOP. STOP RIGHT HERE! NO MORE OF THIS MOM!!” and hung up on her.

 

Next thing I am crying and sobbing for hours. How come my life became like this, with bad relationships and heartache? I am there for my boyfriend, my girlfriends, my Mom, but who is there for me, when I need someone?

 

Right there and then, I decided I want loving relationship with mutual respect, healthy boundaries and joy.

More on healing and communication in Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

 

Human babies need caring, loving physical touch & more!

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Human babies need caring, loving physical touch & more!

 

I read somewhere:

“Humans don’t like it when we feel unworthy of being touched.”

 

I reread this sentence again and then suddenly it hit me: my mom never touched me lovingly when I was a baby. Her touch was purely functional: feeding, changing nappies, drying off after bathing, administering baby care products, salves and the sorts…

Feeling unworthy is something that has haunted me all my life. All my hard work and efforts to trying to prove I am worthy and yet mostly failing somehow.

 

It might be somewhat easier to identify an offense or a traumatic incident. But it’s hard to identify a lack, something one has missed out on. Such as the lack of loving, warm, physical touch by your mother’s hand and by her heart.

 

My mom told me that her mother, my granny didn’t touch her eight kids either and so I understand why my mom has a hard time with physical touch and showing affection. She has told me many times how her mother taught her that touch is not good and most of all, shouldn’t be displayed in public. I use to just nod and said “yes Mom..”, but inside I was aching for her physical, loving, caring touch when I needed it the most as a baby. Now as an adult daughter, it time to disagree with mom in order to catch up with the great experience of physical touch, loving, accepting, connecting and caring touch.

 

More on healing Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

What Did I Make it Mean?

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What did I make it mean?

 

When I was a little girl, I made a decision about myself. This is what I made it mean for the rest of my adult life. Unconsciously. Here is my story.

When I was 3 years old, I was enjoying an outing in the park my mom and my sister Ann who was 6 years. Before going back home, my Mom bought my sister a nice ice cream cone. But I didn’t get one. My mom said something to the effect that I was being a bad girl and if I would follow Ann’s example of being a good girl, I would also would get an ice cream cone.

I cried and this made my Mom angry. She was annoyed with me and ignored me for the rest of the day. Oh, I am such a bad girl!!

 

I don’t believe that I really understood what Mom meant. I do know that I understood it was some sort of punishment and it was painful to watch my sister getting a nice ice cream cone.

From that moment on, I just knew something was terribly wrong with me.

From that moment on, I decided that I will prove that I am a good girl too, but deep down, I knew that something was very, very wrong with me. Not getting a nice ice cream cone meant that something was very, very wrong with me. That was what I made it mean.

 

I now realize that this haunted me for the rest of my life. Feeling unsure of myself, lack of confidence, feeling unworthy, self-sabotage behavior during school, in my job, health problems, relationship problems. A sort of self-hate. And I get envious easily.

 

Last year, my personal crisis was just too big to handle. I went through a divorce, lost my good job, and on top of all this, my mom passed away. I also had health problems. I was forced to seek help.

 

During counseling, I became aware again of my childhood decision that something was terribly wrong with me. To make a long story short, I went through hell! Pain, anger disappointment and hurt until I could see that I made the ice cream incident meant this lie that I am a bad person.

Through the eyes of an innocent 3 year old, it was perfect logic. But now I can see that it was a lie. A big lie! There is nothing wrong with me. This is the new meaning of who I am, I am a smart woman!

 

More on improving Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

 

 

 

How many more times do I have to forgive my mother?

How many more times do I have to forgive my mother?

 

To say the least, I have a bad relationship with my mother and this impacts the way I feel about myself. There was a time that I constantly, relentlessly was in search of acknowledgement. I was striving really hard to prove myself, my worthiness, my smartness, my right to walk on this planet. Why? To deserve my mother’s attention and her love.

 

When I was in my forties, I was tired, very tired of this.

In therapy I learnt that this striving is not the way (damn, I was being wrong and stupid again!) and that I needed to learnt to fulfill my own needs and forgive my mother and let go of the past.

 

Forgiving her made me feel better. I sobbed a lot of tears and now I am able to think of my mother without getting emotional altogether. So that is good, but it took me years to reach that phase.

But the question that remains in my mind is: how many more times do I have to forgive my mother? When do I know that enough is enough, really?

 

My coach tells me that if I have questions like these, I haven’t forgiven my mother completely. I guess so, but when will this forgiving thing be done?!

 

More on forgiving your mother (or daughter!)

A Daughter Calling her Mother

A Daughter Calling her Mother

 

Mom, where are you? I am calling you because I am in need. Mom?

Mom? Moooooom?!!!

 

No answer……

Mother was in need herself and frantically struggling with her issues too busy to pay attention to her daughter.

 

More on Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

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