My Mom’s Hands

My Mom’s Hands

My Mom’s hands are soft when consoling her crying, tearful daughter,

My Mom’s hands are firm when taking care of household chores,

My Mom’s hands are talkative when relating to my Dad,

My Mom’s hands are tough when dealing with trespassers of any kind,

My Mom’s hands are sad and weak when my Granny passed away….

My mom’s hands are happy, soft and graceful when she hears me telling her that I love her.

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Relating to Happiness?

Relating to Happiness?

Holiday season is coming up. Family gatherings, being together, sharing a big, special meal, feeling connected like a real family…..This supposed to be normal and I think most people have a family and warm place to go to coming months.

For me….I don’t know. My family, my mother… they don’t make me feel warm inside at all, rather thinking of my mother gives me a cold feeling inside my chest.

It’s so sad.

To see a lot of happy people but I just don’t understand how they get to feeling so happy. It’s hard for me to relate to that feeling, to this illusive thing called happiness.

I wish for me to feel more happy, I crave it, I long for it, yet I know I just don’t have that family that makes me happy.

Maybe I don’t deserve it. Call it bad karma. Maybe it’s just not in the cards for me.

Yet I wish, I wish, oh I wish, I had this warm mother who would be able to like me, and take as I am. And maybe love me?

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Mom, Why??? – Part 2

Mom, Why??? – Part 2

Can I blame my mishaps and my very, very unlucky life on Mum?

No, of course not!

I should take responsibility for my own life.

Can Mum blame her miserable life on her Mum?

Yes, and she does exactly that.

How unfair!

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Mom, Why? – Part 1

Mom, Why? – Part 1

I seem to be living in a strange dream…

Driving me like a whirlwind of painful emotions,

A course no one can follow,

A destiny no one can foresee,

Mom, why have you left me?

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Crossing the Silent River of Change

Crossing the Silent River of Change

What should I do?

I am in a panic mode. Just got word that my mother is very ill. Well what about it, you may think. The problem is that I have not spoken nor seen my mother for almost thirty years. Yes, three zero!

Bad stuff happened between me and my father and my mother never took responsibility for what happened to me, her daughter. So I vowed never ever to speak to her again and never ever to contact her again.

Now almost thirty years later, I actually am getting ready to tell her my truth. Yes I want to let her know my side of the story, but now she is dying

So many strong emotions are being triggered by the news that she is sick. So many images of the past come to life in my mind.

Am I too late to get things in order with my mother? So much unfinished business between her and me. What should I do now?!

More on bringing daughters closer to their mothers and Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

A Danielle La Porte Poem

I like this Poem written by Danielle La Porte!

 Come Closer

“Desire enchants you to the woods

and has you push through the muck

with the patience of a Lotus.

Come closer.

Search everywhere for your keys.

And then she makes you drive all night, desire,

With no map or insurance.

Come closer.

Pull over and find a pen,

write in blood if you must,

these two words:

Want.

Now.

And then

You hold her gaze for

the next clue about how to have all of her

and it’s the same clue sounding different every time

Come closer.”

Danielle La Porte

 

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Going Shopping with My Mom – Stress

Going Shopping with My Mom

Now and then my mom wants to go out to real stores and touch the stuff she wants to buy. Clothes, shoes, make up, and the sorts.

Going out shopping and she doesn’t want to go out by herself, so I am going out shopping with my mom.

When she announces that she just needs to go out shopping again, my reactions varies from pure panic attacks to mild irritation. Why? Because going out shopping is all about mom and not about me. Sometimes I pretend to be sick and too tired to go with her on her shopping trip. Or that I have too important too heavy load of homework for school. But no, all those tactics don’t work on mom. She literally grabs me and drags me in her car because so much precious shopping time is being wasted by her listening to me whining about why I can’t go out shopping with her. It stresses me out totally!

My friend Tanya who last year moved out from her parents place, gets it. She says my mom doesn’t respect me and forces me to do stuff I don’t want to do. But the question becomes how I am going to say that I want my mom to change and starts respecting what I want or don’t want?!

Somebody has an idea?

More on dynamic Mother-Daughter-Relationships…

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